On the very day that I was expecting to be exiled to the country... for being too sad... my plans changed again. You may have learned that I have an appreciation for planning and rules, but spontaneity still wins my romantic heart.
My recent low seemed to have come on Saturday afternoon, and I was asked about my impending move. I expressed my fear of never returning from the ranch, and that I didn't want to go there just yet. So... I went to my grandmother's after church for lunch, but indulge me for a moment with these 2 confession prayers from church that made me cry - the first one is regular Anglican, from every Sunday -
Almighty God, Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, Maker of all things, Judge of all men: we acknowledge and confess our manifold sins and wickedness, which we from time to time most grievously have committed, by thought, word, and deed, against thy Divine Majesty. We do earnestly repent, and are heartily sorry for these our misdoings. Have mercy upon us, most merciful Father; for thy Son our Lord Jesus Christ's sake, forgive us all that is past; and grant that we may ever hereafter serve and please thee in newness of life, to the honour and glory of thy Name; Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
This next one was said before church and I said it again this morning on my knees:
I confess to God Almighty, before the whole company of heaven and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned in thought, word, and deed by my fault, by my own fault, by my own most grievous fault; wherefore I pray God Almighty to have mercy on me, forgive me all my sins, and bring me to everlasting life. Amen
... now I cried softly to myself because I've never desired to blame anyone for this place that I've found myself. It's only through my own actions (and regret) that I've gotten here. What I mean is - I know it's my fault, and only my fault, yet still I regret deeply and am often angry with myself... but there was something different that I felt yesterday morning. I have victimized myself... by my own self.
OK - so I go to have lunch with my grandmother. We rambled around discussing anything on our minds. We talked about my recent decisions... college plans, career potential, non-refundable plane tickets purchased, friends abroad, love, travel...
I found that our family once owned a nice home in BA, but it was sold during the sixties - connection! She said that there are still dozens of families in Dallas who summer in BA (winter there), but she hadn't been since the early seventies and missed it greatly. She said I should definitely study there, if possible, and asked if I wanted to go now. Yes, of course, I wanted to go, but couldn't. Where then? I also wanted to go to Europe, specifically, France - Paris, but didn't know why.
She picked up the phone and called two people. She then called her travel agent. I'm leaving for Paris at 10:30 tomorrow morning, and returning on June 27th!!
I'm still moving to the ranch when I come back, but there's nothing like travel to immediately change one's perspective... and obsessions :-)