09 June 2009

Thank you, new friends

I've never known depression and have made chipper-like suggestions through the years whenever someone told me they were sad or depressed. Really believed that it was a simple mind over matter sorta thing and just "get happy, dammit"! Apologies now go out to anyone who has been depressed and I said to get over it, or something of the sort.

After meeting a few folks via the blogosphere, listening to mom, and listening to my friends who've said something is really wrong... I've reluctantly decided to try and keep an appointment with a head doctor. Don't have many expectations, but I've woken almost every morning the last 2 weeks to the ending of another horrible dream, and they just keep getting worse. My formerly happy days are now filled with only moments of happy and lots of frustration and even anger - I've gotten in fights over things that had nothing to do with me, and pissed off people who used to know me as their caring friend. Can't keep doing this.

This is not me - who is this person that I've allowed to exist?

I guess being happy is just as much a habit as brushing your teeth before bed. The routine of Summer is setting in and it feels like too much work. Where I looked forward to simple chat and feelings of love, I now habitually avoid conversation and just do things to stay busy. Movies are all boring and predictable. The radio is my enemy with all those noises and words. Nice people are just people. I wish I could help myself like I've been able to help so many other people.

My Summer pool tending job is much more about managing the expectations of kids' parents than actually caring for the kids, and it's seeming like too much of a real job at the moment. Being there to enforce the pool rules and keep order has become the highlight of my day, though, so I suppose this job is really a good thing. If I were even the slightest bit concerned about keeping things safe, then I would quit or remove myself immediately.

What's really really got me desperate is not the constant sadness, but the seemingly vast times that I'm alone and thinking bad thoughts about myself and all of the things I've done wrong. Lying in bed awake and thinking is pointless. I've grown to really dislike the sight of my bed because of that, but sleeping is still better than waking these days.

If I'm not here for a few days or maybe longer, then its because I didn't have anything good to say. So let me apologize, in advance to those of you who've been so nice to email and chat about things.


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